Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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