I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
