i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Dignity is for republicans.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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