this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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