As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
