Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
