Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
