Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
