im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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