I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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