Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
