I think i peed on brittanys purse
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
