We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
