I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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