i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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