i think i have two assholes
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
