You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
