I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
There r osticjed everywhere
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Randomize
