Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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