I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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