My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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