Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
