Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
