Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
