I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm going to jail i love you
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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