please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
