He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
