why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
