I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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