i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
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