Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Randomize
