dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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