so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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