I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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