I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
