I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
