did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
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