You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
