i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
