if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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