I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
