Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
