I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
