i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
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