I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
