Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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