There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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