Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
