I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
