Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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