Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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