theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
