I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Help. Why am I so naked?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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