Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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