Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
